I just got back from seeing this movie and I’ll try to give a mostly spoiler free review of the movie, but frankly like Batman Vs Superman yawn of bordeom I could really care less if I give spoilers. I know a bunch of folks are going to see this movie. It’s an X-Men title and maybe that’s why I’m a little upset with this title because more than any other Marvel studio films I’ve always been an X-Men fan girl.
So anyway, let’s start off by saying I’d actually forgotten about this movie that’s how largely unimportant this movie was on my scope of movies for 2017. I’ve never been a huge fan of Wolverine anyway because he’s just an unrelatiable character to me. He’s just a character who chews bubble gum and kick ass. I didn’t like Duke Nukem, I didn’t like 99% of the anti-heroes and the grunge heroes and the like. So I have very little to relate with to Wolverine. So the fact they’re basically doing a version of Old Man Logan store was novel more so since they had to drop out the hulk as teh baddy of the series cause he’s owned by Marvel proper and not owned by those hacks over at Fox.
So we have Wolverine who is going about his life as an old man, which I guess for him is like 3000 years old or something, no one knows who old Wolverine his and Captain Overexposure is beyond my scope of caring to be terribly honest. This is a long movie and it dragged on for me. There were no emotional moments, not even when shocking gasp of shocking gasps Patrick Stewart has a moment in the movie that was truly wasted on this film. This I suppose a movie about redemption for Wolverine but this is such a tired trope. “I’m to old and I’m only getting paid, and reluctantly I might remind you. And I’ll turn into an old softie at the end of the movie and come save everyone.” Spoiler of spoilers I’ve just given you the entire plot synopsis of Logan. I don’t normally care about tropes or stereotypes but gods can we please get something else? Like instead of money couldn’t it have been the cure for baldness or erectile dysfunction or something equally meaningless?
Now let’s introduce the awesome Stephen Merchant. Of the characters I wanted to see in this movie it wasn’t Logan or X-23. I could frankly care about the two dimensional characters that are these two. Let’s spend sometime with Caliban and see what makes him be him. Let’s spend time with Charles Xavier. Let’s spend time with the characters who have actual personalities. Oh but Logan has a personality someone will say. And I’ll respond that he has the same anti-hero personality that all anti-heroes have. Grumble, grunt and swear. Oh and swear we do, and show some nipple and then death. Lots of death. Oh and some dismemberment for good measure.
In the very first opening scene when Logan is fighting I’m just like “Yep, we’re gonna prove to you we need this to be an R film! Quick show some titty! Yeah… yeah… now say fuck!” And the director was like “It’s good!” No. No it wasn’t. I’m sorry if you think it’s good, I understand you have an opinion contrary to my own. I won’t hold it against you until it comes to pizza toppings. This is a movie that didn’t need to be pushed into an R flick. And I know the three little kids who started crying with Wolverine pushed his claws into the side of a guy’s head and we got to see the cgi blades pop out of the front thought so too.
But let me get to the thing I really hated about this movie. X-23. I saw the character and was like “Oh, ok we get to see Wolverine doing Leon the Professional.” And then I realized that it was X-23. Now I’m not a fan of Wolverine’s kids. X-23 and Dakon. They’re just another take on the same character and only reason X-23 is popular is because she’s a femme fatal. I like femme fatal’s and here’s a HUGE difference. When Scar Jo first transformed into Black Widow in Iron Man 2 it was nice. She jumped into the ring wiped out some jujitsu on happy and then back to work. She was very modest and in control of herself. She made me believe she was a super spy and when she went to town on the guards in Justin Hammer’s factory I found it believable. When X-23 goes to town on all the guards arrayed against her I’m not worried, I’m not even vested in it. You know why? Because it’s a child.
Keeping in mind that a mutant child could in theory be more powerful than a man she is NOT more powerful than 30 men with automatic rifles. And let’s not even talk about the idiotic “don’t kill her.” She’s Logan’s daughter, spoiler, so anything short of an adamantium bullet ain’t killing the bitch. Light her up. “You’re a monster!” You’ll say about me. And Jan says “Yeah, and? If you want her to be a bad ass combatant you have to make me believe there is any danger to her person.” Nope she just screams and wipes out her blades and goes to town on these people, showing us how awesome she is at hiding, and then never showing it again in the entire movie, and then killing people. Seriously. I am tough on movies and characters because I’m a writer and if I wrote that scene I’d be torn apart but because it’s in an X-Men movie it’s ok.
“But Hollywood can’t hit children?” Why the fuck not? If you’re going to have her kill people than a fucking backhanded slap by a robotic gauntlet merc is more than legitimate. I found X-23 the worst part of this movie and sadly this is Leon the Professional, only with a character who rightly doesn’t need anyone to protect her. I don’t care that Logan is supposed to bond with X-23. I have no emotional investment in these characters. I had investment in Caliban and I was happy and sad at the way he went out. Excluding the stuff that happened to Stewart I was just like, cool how long until the credits roll? I checked my phone three times to see the time and I can only count a few times I’ve been in a theater and done that. I can count on one hand the amount of movies I’ve wanted to walk out of.
So, as with all my reviews where I tear apart a movie I will acknowledge this is my opinion and that my opinion’s often differ from the masses. Thank the gods. If you just have to watch this movie I suggest you do it via redbox. See I didn’t recommend you torrent the shit out of this like BvS yawn of boredom. I’m saying that Hugh and Stewart should get their cut of the money, so go rent it for three bucks. Cause it’s certainly not worth more than that and if someone gave it to me I’d be looking to sell it or refund it as soon as I could.
Still this isn’t as bad as BvS yawn of boredom, but then how could it be?
J. E. Flint